And in one month I’ll be answering!
In three short days I’ll be in a rental car driving the Golden Circle in Iceland. I’ll be flying there from Toronto tomorrow, and meeting one of my dearest friends in the world in Reykjavik. Following a few days in the land of ice we’ll be flying back to her home in London, and later I will continue my adventures solo around England, Denmark, and Norway.
While this certainly isn’t my first time heading off on a grand adventure, it will be the first time since my anxiety has become so severe. And that, for me, makes this one of the most important trips I’ll ever take.
To say that the past two years have been hell is an understatement. In that time I’ve been diagnosed with panic disorder, panic psychosis, and severe chronic depression. I’ve been through periods where I was unable to leave the house. I’ve experienced emotions so severe than I didn’t know how to cope with them. I’ve had difficulty maintaining friendships, employment, and my own physical health. And just a few months ago I had bout of depression and anxiety so severe that I tried to take my own life.
In this time I’ve been on a dozen different medications, seen countless doctors, counsellors, and nurses, and been admitted to several outpatient and inpatient mental health programs.
In moments of panic it feels like my mind has turned against me, and convinced me that danger lurks around every corner. My attacks, which had always been unpleasant experiences, have become unbearable episodes of sheer terror. The frequent fear and stress have become all consuming, and over the years has slowly chipped away at every aspect of my life.
Even in periods when the attacks, anxiety, and depression are less intense, I’ve discovered that it’s difficult to enjoy things I once loved, like theatre and travel. In the past few years these things have provided me with little more than fear and nausea. At one point I even thought that perhaps I’d just stop partaking, because what was the point?
But, at the end of day, I just couldn’t bring myself to give up my last semblance of hope. So in the spirit of ‘go big, or go home’, I’ve decided to get over my fears by visiting three countries I’ve never stepped foot into before (two of them on my own). I’m also giving myself London, because it’s the love of my life.
And I refuse to let my anxieties take it, or anything, away from me.
As you may or may not know I’m back in Canada now as my UK visa was up this summer. It was really tough to leave, but c’est la vie. Anyway, knowing I’d be leaving for good I spent the last few weeks wandering the city, seeing friends, and eating delicious food!
The night before last I couldn’t sleep, so I decided to venture out at 3:30am to catch the sunrise from Primrose Hill. It was already quite light out when I arrived just before 5am:
So, I seemed to have worried people with my post last night- My apologies! It was an exercise is stream of conscious writing, which seemed to weigh quite negatively once it got going. I’ve decided to balance it out with a nice, light post tonight.
How’s everybody doing? Good? Good.
Life has been topsy-turvy on my end for the past couple of months. Go figure! With the good comes the bad and all that, so at least I can say life is well balanced at the moment.
So, it appears that I haven’t updated my blog in over two months.
Oops… I guess we have a lot to catch up on!
I’m finally getting around to posting photos from before I left London. I haven’t had time to edit most of them due to life chaos, but oh well.