It’s the end of the year, and as always I’d like to reflect on the previous years happenings. Rather than post a best/worst list though I thought I’d mix it up with a self survey I found online.
1. What am I most proud of this year?
I’m proud of becoming a self-advocate for the improvement of my mental health. I spent years frustrated and feeling failed by a flawed system. But this year I fought back and was finally able to find the treatment I needed. It’s still a daily challenge, but I’m proud of myself for getting where I needed to be.
2. I have become a better _____________?
Friend. At least I hope so. After spending years floating in and out of crippling anxiety and depression I was finally able to focus energy outside of myself, and give back to the people in my life who mean the most to me. Though I haven’t had the energy to mend relationships with all the people I’d like to, I’ve managed a few and am beyond grateful to have them back in my life. And I can say that those relationships are stronger and better than they’ve ever been.
3. Where am I feeling stuck?
Career. I spent a long time questioning if I was ready to take one on, eventually convincing myself that I wasn’t; That I was too weak and too broken. At one point this year I became convinced that I couldn’t hold down any job, certain I would fail at whatever I did. But as my health improved I found a job that met my needs. And now I’ve taken on another, and it’s helping build my confidence about my ability to at least be out in the world without losing my mind.
4. Where do I need to allow myself grace?
Again, career. I have to stay positive that one day I’ll be ready to take it on, and when I am I’ll find where I’m meant to be.
5. Am I passionate about my career?
Ha! Well, this is fitting. I’m passionate about my desired career. And I enjoy the jobs I currently hold. I’m working in positive environments where I feel accepted and appreciated. For now that’s all I can ask for.
6. What lessons have I learned?
To be more compassionate with myself. That to trust in and share with others can lead to great things. That I am loved.
7. What did my finances look like?
Umm… Not good. No, 2015 was not a good year financially.
8. How did I spend my free time?
I spent more time with friends. I started The Panic People Project, which is currently on a break, but I plan to get back to in the new year. I read a lot and watched Netlflix.
9. How well did I take care of my body, mind, and soul?
Body: I spent the first 6 months of the year going to the gym 3 days a week. When I started working it fell by the wayside, but while it lasted it improved so many aspects of my life.
Mind: I entered an outpatient program for people with severe anxiety. It has helped improve my quality of life immensely.
Soul: I reconnected with friends and for allowed myself to be open to trust, support, and love.
10. How have I been open-minded?
Yes. But there’s always more to learn, and I hope to do so.
11. When did I feel most creatively inspired?
When I began work on The Panic People Project. I felt so ambitious and inspired in those first couple of months. I hope I can regain that feeling.
12. What projects have I completed?
I’m not sure I’ve completed any projects, but I’ve come a long way on many.
13. How have I procrastinated?
Netflix. Definitely, Netflix.
14. In what ways can I re-structure my time?
I need to learn to balance my time again. I’ve spent so long with an empty schedule, and now that I have so many things on the go, I’m struggling to keep up. I also get too ambitious in my time management planning, but struggle with the execution (ie, thinking ‘I’ll be fine to work a 16 hour day following a midnight shift’ is not incorrect), so I need to forgive myself on my requirement of sleep and down time. I also need to allow myself time to do things I enjoy.
15. How have I allowed fear of failure hold me back?
This is a complicated question for me. My irrational mind screams ‘YES’. That I’m a failure in so many aspects of my life. But my rational mind pops in to tell me that it’s been a rough year, and that there is nothing wrong with taking time out to take care of myself and my health before diving into something new.
And in all honesty, agreeing to the intensive outpatient anxiety program was 100x scarier than hopping on a plane to Europe with no money and a 2 year visa.
16. Where has self-doubt taken over?
I live every moment of my life in self-doubt. ‘What if I fail?’, ‘What if I panic?’, ‘What if I embarrass myself?’, ‘What if they fire me?’, ‘What if this is the wrong decision?’. Everything is a ‘what if’, and I’m learning to simply tell myself ‘What if I don’t fail?’
17. When have I felt the most alive?
As always, when I’m travelling. This year didn’t see many trips, but the ones that did happen were great fun.
18. How have I taught others to respect me?
I’m not sure I have… But if I have, I hope by being an honest, kind, and compassionate person.
19. How can I improve my relationships?
As I said earlier, this is something I’ve been working on and will continue to do. I’ve always been very closed-off and have been trying to let some of those walls down these last few months. I can improve my relationships by accepting the idea that it’s okay to put your trust others once in awhile.
20. Have I been unfair to anyone?
Oh, absolutely. A few people. I’m still figuring out how to turn my attitude around on those fronts.
21. Who do I need to forgive?
I think that over the past year I’ve been able to let go of a lot of resentment I held towards certain people, and those relationships are on the mend. Other than that, I don’t believe I ‘need’ to forgive anyone else. There are things not deserving of that energy.
22. Where is it time to let go?
I think it’s time to let go of a lot of my trust and boundary issues. I don’t know how yet, but I’m hoping 2016 will bring some clarity.
23. What old habits would I like to release?
I’d like to release some of my obsessive tenancies! But The X Files returns in January, so that’s not likely ;)
24. What new habits would I like to cultivate?
Mindfulness. Meditation. Healthy eating. Healthy and positive attitudes. Exercise.
25. How can I be kind to myself?
By working on changing my thought process. By ignoring my irrational mind. By continuing to learn and love and be loved. By learning to love myself.