I feel like I’ve lost my words, as trite as that sounds. I’ve never had much in the way of eloquent writing skills, but the transfer of thoughts from mind to paper (screen?) has always come easily enough. Lately I’ve been struggling, however. My mind feels jumbled and I’m unable to comprehend or articulate the thoughts. I’m easily confused and frustrated, and more irritable these days.
Anyway, the point is that following is a discombobulated mess…
I’ve officially been home over 2 months now. I can’t help but look back at that time and think it could have been better spent. I could have read more, relaxed, taken up a hobby, gotten in shape, joined a club, gotten my head back on straight. But instead I spent it curled around an enormous ball of anxiety. Worrying too much about money and sickness. Dwelling on opportunities lost and experiences unlikely to ever occur. Spending too much time stressing about outside expectations and not enough looking inward at what I need to make myself content.
In saying that, I must admit my gratefulness in having people around me who don’t strongly push expectations. That’s not to say it doesn’t happen, but for the most part I’m surrounded by loved ones who respect my boundaries. Or, at the very least, have accepted my status as a highly private oddity.
Looking inward at figuring out the expectations I hold for myself is the most difficult, at the end of the day. What do I want? In an ideal world what kind of life would I be living?
I could easily throw out: Seeing the world, and doing something creative with that experience through a balance of photography and writing.
Unfortunately, photojournalism isn’t a job you simply nab. And if it were, it would require far more skill than I possess.
McFarland House Tea Room, NoTL
The past few weeks have been rough.
As I mentioned the week before last, I’ve been dealing with some depression. A day after I posted that last blog my oldest friend in the world was coming to town to cheer me up when she was in a terrible car wreck. The car spun off the road, rolled, and hit a tree. She was trapped for nearly an hour before they could rip the car apart to get her out. It still gets me in a panic thinking about her in there. Fortunately, aside from being incredibly shaken and some bumps and bruises, she’s alright. I can unabashedly admit that if I believed in any particular higher power I’d be thanking them right about now.
And then this past Friday I learned that due to a clerical error that no one can seem to track down I’ve been denied my request to officially graduate / complete my postgrad. I sat on hold for 2 hours with the registrars office while they tried to figure out what happened, but no one could seem to. My program coordinator said she’d bust some skulls for me this week, so fingers crossed.
There are a few bright spots, however…
I was offered a job today. Nothing fancy, minimum wage at a tourist attraction, but it’s 8 weeks of full time employment. That will bring me to the end of October, after which I haven’t a clue what to do. But, I’m weighing the options.
I’ve been applying like mad to any and all proper job postings of interest in Niagara, Toronto, Ottawa, Vancouver, New York, Los Angeles, London, anywhere and everywhere. I’m also thinking that if something doesn’t come along as we head into spring 2015 (maybe earlier, who knows), I might do another working holiday abroad. My top choices at the moment are Ireland and Germany. Germany is sounding ideal, actually. It’s one year, there is next to no visa requirements, and I’ll be able to learn a language that I can include on my resume.
I also saw Cabaret at the Shaw Festival and it was beyond incredible. If you have the chance to go, do it. Anyone under 30 can get a tickets for $30 (regular $80+) and it’s more than worth the money.
This feeling of complete aimlessness hasn’t gotten any easier to deal with, and after this many months I’m starting to believe it won’t ever. I suppose that’s good though, depression aside. It keeps you motivated to find the right path. Still, I can’t help but worry that I may never find it.