Leap Before You Look

I have that backwards, I know, but it feels quite apt at the moment.

I went to the doctors yesterday morning for my 3-months-since-my-blood-cleared-check-up (well, 10.5 weeks technically) where I received a handshake and a farewell of “I don’t want to you see in here for anything out of the ordinary for at least a year!” This is henceforth known as: The Best Appointment of 2013.

Now, it’s time to start making some serious life decisions, which as usual, leaves me an equal mix of excited and terrified.

I still have to complete my internship. The deadline was this past September and Humber have been serious D-bags about the whole thing. Apparently illness/medical ban from working and travelling are not acceptable reasons to miss the deadline. So, they told me that if I want to receive my ONE remaining credit for completing the placement I’ll need to pay a full years tuition (approx $8500). Yeah…

Thankfully the program coordinator said she’ll fight that on my behalf, though I imagine Humber will fight back. Beer me strength on that one, folks.

Though I’m jumping the gun a bit there. I need to FIND an internship first! I’ve given up on finding one in the Niagara region. They don’t seem to exist. And Toronto offerings seem to be few and far between. I’ve applied to everything that’s popped up, but on all occasions that I received a response I was later told that they’ve decided not to take on a new intern at this time. Plus, all Toronto-based internships seem to be full-time, which is just not feasible as internships don’t pay.

As a result I’ve turned my search back towards London where there is a multitude of internship opportunities, many of which are part-time, and all of which include a daily travel stipend. And my visa is still valid for another 9 months, so they can hire me! Win-Win-Win.

Now is the part where I freak out.

You see, I have a holiday booked for London that I’ll be leaving for in… 3 days. A number of internships that I applied to are holding interviews next week, and if I’m lucky enough (ha!) to actually get an offer the position would start right away. In that instance I suppose I would just stay. But what if I don’t receive an offer? Should I still stay and keep at it?

I’m coming to the realization that if I stay in Niagara I just won’t finish my postgrad. My extension deadline is coming up quickly and I need to do something major if I don’t want the last 2 years to have been a waste of time and money.

I also need to do something major just to save myself from that inevitable funk that comes from moving back in with ones parents, having no money, no career prospects, and no idea what to do about any of it. The funk has had its moments in the past few months, but has remained mostly at bay with knowing that there wasn’t anything I could have done to avoid getting sick.

But now I’m feeling better than I have in years. The panic is still an issue, but even it has improved with my physical health. And I’m in a much better head space to manage it when it does rear its head.

I’m not an impulsive person by nature. I like to think things through, make Pro/Con lists, get opinions, do research. But I also know that while doing those things gives me a sort of comfort during deliberation, it also gives me too much time to over think and come up with excuses. It stops me from doing things for silly reasons, and makes me more anxious than is necessary.

And the truth is, life isn’t long enough and I’m not healthy enough to not take chances for a bunch of “what if” reasons. I’m in remission from my UC, but I don’t know for how long. I’ve been off the meds for about 6 months now, and am unable to go back on. Remission could last another month, year, or decade. There’s no way to know. And during my last severe bout I was out of commission for a year and a half. When it happens again I don’t want to be kicking myself for not living life to its fullest while I actually could.

Plus, you all know my health luck in general. In the past 10 years I’ve been hospitalized with Norwalk, E. coli, mono, cardiac arrhythmia (fun times in the ICU during the SARS outbreak), pneumonia, and a few more things that I’m probably forgetting. I’m sure I’ll catch something else in due time.

But until then, allons-y!