Still Life

“Time is the longest distance between two places.” -The Glass Menagerie

I’ve officially been home 4 months now and am getting restless. It has without a doubt been the longest 4 months of my life. I can’t work much, can’t travel much. Really, I can’t do much of anything. I’ve been applying to internships that I can’t accept, planning trips I can’t take, and generally spending far too much time getting frustrated with the current state of my life. And the most frustrating bit is that there isn’t a damn thing I can do about it.

The blood toxicity I’ve been dealing with seems to be resolving itself. My white cell count is down to 10,000, which is within a safe range. Finally. But, receiving  some positive news on it’s own has never been in my line of luck, now has it?

My blood protein level is now dangerously high, along with a number of other off test results. I still get a fever from doing, well, anything; I develop pneumonia from being in a room with more than 50 people (I just received my 7th diagnosis of the year); I have growths on my lungs and a possible infection in my liver. And no one can tell me why.

I’m also not able to go back on any ulcerative colitis medication, so we’re now just waiting until my digestive tract shuts down, at which point I’ll be entered into a trial treatment program.

I’m trying to stay optimistic, but I’m getting so… tired. I haven’t felt well in over 8 months. I have good days, which come as a huge relief and I try and take advantage of them. But it’s not enough.

I want to work. I want to finish school. I want to travel, and go out, and move out. I didn’t think that at 26 years old I’d be back at home, entirely dependent on my mum. I feel so guilty that she’s supporting me. When I first got home I said I’d pay rent, but then I just kept getting sicker and what little money I do make goes to paying my student loans and prescription costs.

Anyway. Glass half full, right? My white count is down, which means the original serious concern of lymphoma is being pushed aside. The new test results and the state of my lungs bring about a myriad of new concerns, but we don’t know enough yet so I can stay optimistic that it might not be serious. I’m being scheduled in for an appointment on Tuesday to find out what’s next.

And, the summer hasn’t been a total bust. I got to New York and Scranton back in May, Marita came to visit for a few days which was a ton of fun, I went to Muskoka for a couple of days with family, I’ve gotten to spend lots of time with Lily, and Tara and I met Zachary Quinto last weekend. Each of these (aside from hangouts with Miss Lily) have given me pneumonia, but, that seems to be the balance the universe strikes me with these days!

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